Exposing the Source Part 1

Words will never hurt me…

The chant rings in my ear as I run.  SAFE.  I need to find somewhere safe.  I run around the corner, sit on the edge, put my lap in my head and cry.  Deep soul-baring cries.

I’m only a child.  A child trying to learn the ropes of this new place.  I don’t understand.  Why am I here?  What did I cause to land me in this place?  A confusing world of bells, desks, schedules and a red-haired taskmaster who scares me with her stare.

I want to run FAR away.  Away from the noise.  The jeers.  The haunting chants aimed at me.  The newcomer.  The strange child with weird clothes and long hair.

I’m only a child.  Yet there are so many decisions I must make.  Do you like Gabe?  Are you his girlfriend?  You like me and not Gina, right?  Then the arm reaches around.  Gabe. My hero.  The one who will rescue.  Protect.  Beat at the others who cheer.  The ones who mock, taunt, pull at my strange clothes.

I’m just a child.  I have no idea.  A seed is planted.  SAFE.  Something I long for.  Safe from the screams, the fights, the haunting images.  The accusations that I’m not a good daughter.  That God won’t love me if I am bad.  The words hurled over a pulpit.  Ironically, by a red-haired man who scared me with his voice.

Words will never hurt me…

Exposing the Source

A lie.  A lie I tell myself to avoid the pain.  Soul pain that I can’t escape.  I build a world.  A world SAFE from what is.  I now live in what should be.  As the canyon of what is and what I believe widens, I continue to pursue SAFE.

I long for the hero. To rescue. To protect.  To keep me safe from a world I cannot understand.  As I grow my reality becomes the world I create in my mind.  I no longer accept what is.  I believe the lie that someone could keep me safe from harm.  Always.

Words…words can indeed hurt me.  They did.

They are still.