So, what’s the point? Why have I been sharing these things?
I wanted to build a foundation for what will be. Who I am. Where I am. What I am about. Why I am a blogger. My story.
Sin has caused me unbelievable pain in my life:
- The abuse at the hands of religion
- The loss of friendships caused by adultery, abuse and lies
- The loss of my innocence
- The betrayal of my father
People say that sin harms only the sinner. But that is a lie. Sin causes a tear in the universe, that can never be restored. It destroys the sinner and those around them. That’s why God hates sin. Why it grieves me. Why I expose it when I can. And that causes me pain.
In the midst of this pain, I spoke. My feelings. My emotions. Raw. Bleeding. Only this time I was not the recipient. This time I was the one standing outside. Hurting. Bleeding. Helpless to stop the hell falling all around.
I prayed. Cried. Asked God to help. To keep my pain hidden. In the depths I heard a whisper. Think on the positive. Love. Support. Be. But don’t let it overwhelm you.
An innocent comment. Misunderstood. Pain washed over my soul. Taking me to that place I hate to go.
Help. PLEASE. Help. Help me. NOW. I cried for rescue. The response slammed into my gut. NO.
My mind threatened to leap over the edge. Luckily, calm arrived back to my out-of-control mind. I cried for a bit longer. Then left from my bed of sorrow.
So when they arrived, the pain was calm. Anger. Surprise. Confusion. I refused to play. In the midst I found safety. He was there all along.
As a little girl I believed the arms of a man would keep me safe. As a woman I realize the arms of my Savior keep me safe.
HE is the one who knew I needed a tool for these times of overwhelm. I have a panic attack. I am terrified I am dying. My doctor prescribes a small white pill. This pill becomes my tool. It saves my life when I teeter on the edge. It stops the panic that threatens to overwhelm me. Dead in its tracks.
And the idea of what should be? That the love of my life should always be there to rescue me. That lie is exposed.
NOW I am free to be his love. His wife. The helpmeet I was created to be. No longer does he need to be the one to save me. To keep me safe. No longer am I am the “damsel in distress”. Now he can love me. And I can let him.
I wish I had learned THAT 32 years ago on the playground.