Some days are tough. REALLY tough. It seems like there are too many things to do. Too many options. Too many choices. I just don’t want to go on. I want to quit. School. Parenting. Life. Yes. I will admit it. Some days I want to die. Because I’m so exhausted. Emotionally beat-up. I just don’t want to fight this fight anymore. The depression. The anxiety. The ADD. The sin in my heart. The sin in the world. The weight of the ugliness threatening the beauty of my life. All of it. I just don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be the strong one. I don’t want to be the adult. I don’t want. To. Be.
How do I get through these moments?
Prayer. I’m not talking the eloquent, flowery, prayer…you know…Oh Lord, God Father, you are majestic. Thank you for this mountain. Thank you for this trial. Thank you for the opportunity to show you to my family. I’d love to tell you that I’m the saint of the year. That I always look to him with gratitude and love. But let’s get real. I’m human. He is God. So, here’s more like what I say. Really God? CAN’T we stop this now. I’m tired. I can’t do this. I hate to sound complaining. But I can’t do this…I just. Can’t.
And do you know what HE does? This amazing being I believe…he doesn’t send down fire to strike me dead. He doesn’t tell me that I’m a selfish, ungrateful child. No, he smiles. He says, “I know. I CAN. Let me. You. Rest.“ (Yes, he talks to me in single syllable words because I’m a simple-minded person.).
So while I condemn myself…and the blogs, the Facebook wall, the twitter feed, the preachers on the radio condemn me for being the less than perfect mom, wife and daughter…he tells me to stop doing. To Let HIM. and just REST.
Music. I turn to music. I know I should turn to the BIBLE. You know, God’s word. But God speaks to me through the melodies on the radio…in my heart. God’s word can be written in a book, one that is written in my heart. Or it can be written in a melody, recorded and broadcast on a simple program called Rhapsody. It seems like there is ALWAYS a song that speaks to me. Right there. In that moment. And THAT is God’s word speaking right to my heart. AND that is ok.
Rest. Ultimately, when I hit these moments I have to rest. I quit blogging. I quit making lists. I do the bare minimal in school, housecleaning, cooking, devotions. I rest. To let my brain quit looping and rest. It may seem like I’m lazy. It may seem like I’m just a horrible mother. It may seem to you that I’m a flake.
But to me. It’s my VERY survival. It’s all I have. It’s a fight against a chemical/electrical balance in my brain that I can’t control. BELIEVE ME. No one in their right mind would EVER choose this life…this type of a brain.
Depression sucks the life out of every fiber of your being. Anxiety can show up and it stops life. And although the episodes are getting further between…when they arrive…they suck my life out of everything beautiful, happy. I feel like I’m drowning and have no way out.
And so today, I write. I choose to share my ugly world with you. Because this is real life. In the ugliness of this insidious disorder, there is beauty. Beauty of a heart who longs to share the God she knows. The one who loves her even in the depths of all the ugliness of a disorder that says, “You shall die.”
I would LOVE to tell you that my house is clean. That my meals are GMO-Free. That my kids are well-behaved. My marriage the epitome of all that is holy. But would that be BEAUTY?
Sometimes, beauty is found in the ugly shards of a broken life…